Saix's Solitary Doings
by derajdragonlord
Summary: The Organization finds out what Saix does when the thinks he's alone...
1. He does WHAT?

**Saix's Solitary Doings**

On the World that Never was, In the Castle that Never Was, in a Room that Never Will Be, a phone rang.

Elsewhere in the somewhat morbid and repetitively named places of the castle, the ringing caught the attention of 13 different individuals. Yes, them, the subject of many an angst/humor fic, the villains that actually have a bigger fan base than the protagonist of their game, Organization XIII.

At the moment, Xemnas the Superior was running hurriedly through the halls. He picked up the phone, which had been in his Room that Never Was And Never Should Be, But Is and Is Not. (Being number 1 is handy when you want to make your bedroom sound important.)

"Hello? Yes! Yes…no…8:30…WHAT! I'll be right there!" Xemnas raced around the room, grabbing things. As he ran towards the door, he stopped momentarily, seeing most of his subordinates looking at him strangely.

"I have to go…somewhere…and, uh…do important…stuff…for a while. Saix is in charge until I get back." He said, before running out to the Car that Never Was (The Organization Bureau of Nomenclature could do with a bigger budget, he had to admit) and driving frantically off into the nonexistent night.

Axel groaned.

"He took the Black one! AGAIN!" Roxas thought for a moment.

"Wait…if we were just going to leave as a group and let Saix watch the castle, why would we need the two-person car if there's eleven of us?"

"…Oh. Right."

The temperature dropped several degrees as Saix came halfway downstairs. The berserker/sadist/loose cannon/ZOMGBBQ Claymore Man(!) was second in command, despite being 7th in rank. This wasn't so much do to Xemnas's trust in him, but more because he scared the pee out of everyone else.

"Did the Superior leave on his date yet?" Axel and everyone else exchanged a look, a single thought going through their minds:

_Who in their right mind would date the Superior?_

"Uh...yeah…he just left…" Axel said, keeping a wary eye on the nearby Claymore.

"And you'll be leaving to do something in just a moment?"

"Yes…"

"Good…I mean, very well. Off with you." Saix said, going back up the stairs.

Demyx, the much-abused/beloved musician of the Organization, came back in from the Nonexistent Garage.

"Sorry guys, the car won't work…we're stranded." Axel snapped his fingers. Roxas sighed.

"NOW what'll we do?" Suddenly, Axel had an idea.

"Guys…what if we just PRETEND to leave?"

"What would that accomplish?"

"You know that Saix never leaves the Castle, so he's alone all the time…aren't any of you the least bit curious what he DOES here when he's by himself?"

"That's actually a good idea." Larxene, the Organization's only female member and resident as a result, said.

A few minutes later, the eleven walked out the door, and then teleported to a safer place to observe the Moon worshipper on his own.

Strangely, Saix did not seem ready to believe that he was alone. He quickly began searching the castle.

The eleven managed to evade Saix as he investigated every part of the Castle. Finally, suspiciously, Saix walked over to the phone. Taking a furitive look about, he finally picked up the phone and dialed a number. His hidden comrades watched in anticpation.

"Hey, Auron? It's Saix. The gang went out…you know what that means." Saix pressed a button, and suddenly, lights and amplifiers came out of the very walls.

"Call everyone up! PARTY AT MY PLACE!"


	2. That's not good

**Chapter Two**

"He throws PARTIES when we're not around?" Demyx asked, still very confused, once they'd gotten to a safe place. Vexen, writing on a Sheet that Should Not Exist But is There Anyway Due to Plot Device AND Observable Evidence (He named it himself), held up a hand for quiet, and finished his calculations.

"Carry the two…Yeah, this is completely impossible." Axel slapped his forehead.

"Well, we can't hide if he's having company. Should we try to break it to him slowly by coming out of hiding?" Luxord asked. The rest of the Organization looked at the Gambler as if he had suspiciously existent broccoli coming out of his nose.

"Luxord, in interest of not being found, I'm going to say this quietly. 1.) Saix's guests will probably be sword-wielding badasses that can turn your blood into cyanide with their glares and would kill us as soon as look at us. 2.) Do you have _any idea_ what SAIX would do to us if he found us?"

"…No, actually. What's the worst that he'll do?" Luxord asked.

"…Have you been eating the Superior's "stuff" again, Luxord?" Larxene asked at length.

"No…Malurxia's." Luxord said.

Everyone glared at Marlurxia. Luxord had found out a while ago that the vast majority of his garden was cleverly disguised Marijuana, but had been silenced with a block of uncut hashish the size of his head delivered monthly to his door.

"…What? Xemnas would confiscate all that pot if he knew about it? And do you think he'd be smart enough to pawn it off on Ebay? No! He'd smoke it!" Marlurxia huffed. "I mean, **_I_** don't use any of that stuff."

"We can _see_ that joint in your hair, Mar."

"Oh. Carry on then."

Axel turned back to Luxord.

"Anyway…well, he'd go berserk…come to think of it, Vexen, what _is_ the worst thing he could do to us?"

"If he caught us in this situation he'd tear off our faces with his teeth and pee on what's left, before removing our reproductive organs with his clayomore, and drowning us in fire." Vexen said, after a moment of calculation on the Sheet that Should Not Exist But is There Anyway Due to Plot Device AND Observable Evidence with the Pencil that Is There But Can't Be Seen Because Nonexistent Stuff Existing Is A Give-And-Take Business We Can't Complain About.

"…He can _do _that?"

"He's done it before." Vexen said simply.

The others mulled this over for a moment.

"I put forth the motion that we run and hide and give Saix no reason to kill us." Axel said.

"I second the motion!" Roxas agreed.

"Shh! Saix is below!"

Saix, down in the Hall That Only Exists as a Technicality But For Some Reason Cannot Be Any Color Besides White Or Have A Shorter Or Original Name, picked up the ringing phone.

"Hello? Oh, hey, Seph. Yep, party here in the castle. Hm? Sure your roomies can come. I got the pool ready, I'm looking for a band, but BYOB."

The hidden Nobodies observed the Pool That Hadn't Existed Until A Second Ago.

"What's that red stuff? It's not water?"

"It's the blood of a thousand Virgins and a dog." Vexen said, after looking at it for a moment.

"Anyone know who Seph is?"

"Wait…" A look was exchanged.

"SEPHIROTH?" The word was quiet enough not to catch Saix's notice, but Demyx began panicking.

"Oh, snap, we're DOOMED! Sephiroth is that guy that has REAL ultimate power! He'll flip out and kill us all and never even think twice about it!" He began to hyperventilate. Xaldin hit him on the head, and he stopped.

"Don't let Saix notice us."

Marlurxia sneezed suddenly. Saix, down in the Hall, put down the phone abruptly. His head then turned 180 degrees on his neck.

"Oh, sh—" Marlurxia abruptly fell to the ground, a Claymore lodged in his head. Saix loomed over them.

"You have –5 seconds to improve my mood."

"…_meep_."


	3. Why would you record that?

**Chapter 3**

The Organization looked at Saix.

They looked at Marluxia's prone body, and the Kill Bill-esque flow of blood there from.

They looked at Saix. He did not look happy.

They looked at Marluxia, who was spasming occasionally while his head remained a blood geyser.

They looked at Saix, and saw there was a rapidly expanding red light in the middle of his eyes and his fangs were showing.

Then, the Organization took drastic action.

"DEAR GOD, SAIX, PLEASE DON'T KILL US!" They shouted as a single unit, throwing themselves facedown at the Luna Diviner's feet.

It was around this time that Marluxia suddenly got up.

"I'm…okay?" He said, surprised.

Saix disagreed with this statement, and made his opinion known with another Claymore. He then gathered the Organization together.

"I. Am. Going. To. Say. This. ONCE. If…you…mess this up…I…will kill you…in the most alarming and imaginative ways you didn't believe were possible. Do I make myself clear?" He said, his voice indicating there were several voices in his head screaming, "Go for the jugular!" His flattened against the wall, nodding very quickly.

"You are not to mention ANY of this to the Superior. I don't have to describe what I can DO to important parts of you if you blab." Mass gulpings. Good, they were paying attention.

"You know about these parties now…I can't change that without KILLING YOU ALL—or blackmailing—so, we're going to COMPROMISE. You are going to help out. And I won't have to show you what it's like to have brain surgery with a rusted axe."

Several meek nods, someone passed out in the back. Probably Demyx. Larxene crossed her arms.

"You'd get in deeper dog doo if you harmed us. I don't see why we should—"

"Before you finish that sentence, Larxene, I must ask a question: You wouldn't want anyone getting a hold of—" Saix pulled out several pictures, and flashed them in Larxene's face—"THESE?"

Larxene's face went very, very white. And then she fell over to the ground, stiff as a board.

"Thought so." Saix then turned to numbers 8-13, minus the prone Larxene. He handed out several photographs to everyone.

"I assume that you would think it fair to help me out in exchange for these photos never seeing the light of day?" There was a mass eye-twitching amongst the neophytes as the pictures were taken back.

"Where did you GET those?" Axel asked, shuddering.

"That's for me to know and you to receive a large spiky object to the groin if you ever try to find out."

"Ok." Saix clapped his hands.

"Now. Assignments! Xiggy! You're on lights!"

"Gotcha!"

"Xaldin! You're on music duty!"

"Yes, Saix!"

"Vexen…can you be trusted with the drinks?"

"If you can be trusted with that bat-winged monstrosity you sling around."

"Okay. Lex, you're taking the door. Here's the guest list, bounce outsiders with extreme prejudice."

Lexaeus was customarily stoic as he took the paper, wondering why he always got these jobs.

"Zex, you'll be in charge of helping wait the tables."

Zexion sighed, but valued his life enough not to argue.

"Should I help cook?" Axel asked. There was a sudden scuffle as the 6 members above him in rank clapped hands over his mouth, horror in their faces.

"SHUT UP! The chefs will hear you!"

There was a low, ominous creaking noise as a door opened and a tonberry wearing a chef's hat leaned out. A pair of empty eyes briefly said "We'll remember your face, interloper," in no uncertain terms. The reptile then slowly shut the door. The Organization breathed again. Saix turned back to the others.

"The rest of you…just do what seems necessary." He noted Vexen's raised hand. "Yes?"

"Saix, what exactly is going to happen should someone," Vexen couldn't help but look over at Marluxia, "Should fail to meet expectations…or do something stupid?"

"Good question. Allow me to show you with this video we shot here last time you guys were out." Saix said pleasantly.

The following orgy of violence reduced everyone in the room to a quivering heap of shattered nerves in a matter of seconds. Only Vexen, who had been standing behind Lexaeus for most of it, remained standing. This didn't change the fact his imagination had come up with images to match the sounds, and the Chilly Academic was standing in the middle of a large yellow puddle.

"Oh." He said weakly. Saix, completely unfazed by the violent perversion of obscenity he and his friends has committed against various innocent bystanders on tape, clapped his hands together.

_"Right! Let's get this party STARTED!"_


End file.
